well, I'm back. It has been a while since I have written, lots going on. A husband healing, a dad healing, a son in recovery and healing, and now this time is for me and for all of you who are reading my blog.
As we journey on through life we are faced with what really makes us happy. What makes us feel so good that we become the "twirlers" of our own lives? I am at that very place right now, the place of self-discovery, the place of truth. There comes a time in each of our lives where we must be the person we were born to be.
Are you sitting behind a desk asking yourself what you are doing there? I am, and I know that I am NOT living in my own skin. But I can reflect upon a time when I was. I remember standing in a room full of wonderful people, mentoring to them as they continued their weight loss journey. I used to think I was helping them and maybe I was, but as I reflect upon it now, 12 years later, I realize that it was I who was being shown the way. That experience showed me that my place, the place I could feel "purpose" in was in front of all those people. I was reaching them, I could see the sparkle in their eyes, I could feel it in their laughter, I could feel it inside myself. THAT was my purpose, the communicator, the relationship builder, the facilitator. The magic lied there in front of my face and inside my heart and soul. Only I didn't see it until now. So my purpose will become reborn again. I am going back to the world of motivational speaking, of reaching out to those who need to feel "purpose."
Tell me what you think.....

coming out from the dark

Well it's been quite awhile since I have posted anything new. Life has been crazy for me for the last while. Between my dad and my husband I have found myself slipping out of my own skin into theirs. For awhile I was only a wife and a daughter and a caretaker, always the caretaker.
Now I can come out from under and try and come back into my own skin, a place I am learning to love and feel comfortable in.
Crisis changes us in a profound way. We look at our own mortality, we think about what life would be like if we had to say goodbye to the ones we love, we get scared, we cry, and we try and be brave for everyone..... Woosh that is the hardest thing to do. Not to show fear in front of those who are sick and trying to heal. Not to forget how life would be like without them....
Now the healing has begun. I try to look at each new day as a gift, one more day with my husband, one more day with my dad. Will this change them too? Will they do what it takes to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay here with us, those that love them?

We aren't often faced with our own mortality, and so when we are, we don't know what to do, what to think, how to function. For most of us, this isn't something we think about daily, it only comes up to the surface when we are faced with crisis. I hope I don't have to feel that again in my lifetime, but I know we all are faced with loss and sadness, the cycle of life......

More again later....

changes...

Have you ever wondered how often we change in our lives? Some of us change a lot and some of us change a little. Sometimes I wonder if we know the difference or feel the difference. I am on a journey that has been with me forever. I think I have begun to realize that if I don't enjoy the journey, trials and tribulations and all then I will miss my life.

We always think we have to be "going" somewhere, what if somewhere is where we are at the moment? What if we aren't meant to go anywhere but here? I am going to try and enjoy my life, in the moment.

I hope I don't miss anything along the way. I hope I take it all in, smell the roses, watch the sunsets, and dance like none is watching... and for all of my readers, I hope that you can live in the moment and take in everything........

Life has a way of marching on despite the adversity we experience from time to time. It seems to be the month for stress in my life. My husband had a heart attack and my 81 year old dad had triple bypass surgery. Hmmmmm, do you think life only gives us what we can handle?

I used to use that saying alot until now. Now, I think I have more than I can handle. I tried to remain in my own skin during these difficult times and be true to myself. I found myself "using" my skin as a blanket, a place to hide and protect me from the outside world. Maybe if I hid it wouldn't hurt so much, maybe if I stayed safe I wouldn't lose control.

That has ramifications down the road. Now it is affecting me, the hiding, the running away from my feelings, the non-disclosure to friends and family about my true feelings and how these major occurences in my life have affected me deep down inside.

I must leave the safety of my skin, peel the old away, and let the real, true me just be. Cry when I need to, outwardly if I need to, laugh when I need to, sleep when I need to and put some time aside for me when I need to. If we are not good for ourselves, how can we be there for those we love, our family, our friends?

Ahhhh, the journey continues........

getting used to a different life

When one has a loved one experience a life changing medical episode, we tend to retreat back into ourselves, out of fear, insecurity and all around confusion. I decided that although I want to do that some days, the retreating part, I am going to learn how to be brave in this world.

I am not going to run away from worry or fear, from confusion or impatience for what is. I am going to to try and wake up every day and remind myself that although my family has had a scare, we are still here, together, trying to figure it out. So I must try and do what I encourage all of you do to, be yourself, feel everything, love fully, live in your own skin. Don't do it for me, or your friends, or because you think you have to.

I am going to get through sadness and grief for what is or what was, and in order to that I have to face my fear of loss. We can never get back what is truly lost whether it be love, or friendship, children, or family, once it is gone it is gone. But we have not died with those things we loved, we are still here on this great planet.

So let our journey continue. I think the reason we don't know how to live in our own skin is because we use the skin to hide in, as a facade, to fool ourselves into thinking none sees us for who we really are. Let's use the skin as an integral part of who we are. Let THAT be the first thing people see, not the last.

Let this be the first day that you, my reader, my friend, my family member, live the life you are supposed to live. Don't think I know of what I am suggesting, I am walking this path beside you still trying to figure it out......

looking at life differently

I am relieved to say that my husband is home from the hospital. During the time he was in there, a million different thoughts raced through my head. Would things be okay, would he be compliant, would this awful intruder come into his body and our lives again?

Sitting watching him sleep each day gave me a lot of time to think. It brought me back to a time long ago, I was 20 years old and had a dying grandfather. What was life like in those moments and did I ever tell him how my life was affected by his presence? Did I think about that 20 years later when my mom was dying? Did I say exactly what I needed to say in the last moments we had together?

Why do we wait until someone is sick or dying to express our truest, innermost thoughts and feelings? What stops us from doing that when they are alive and well? Fear? and of what? That we may appear vulnerable and "sappy" or that we may have to explain our feelings, talk about them, expose them?

I have always considered myself a very demonstrative person, one who wears her heart on her sleeve, who tells those she loves and cares about that she does so, someone who loves with her whole heart. Yet as I get older I find myself holding back a little, when it should be just the opposite. We should come out of our cocoons as we get older and learn to emerge in the skin we are supposed to live our lives in. This past week has reminded me that life is precious and that we waste a lot of time NOT saying what is truly important. We let those people we love leave our lives in one way or another and never express our hearts, never show our true selves, never live life in our own skins.

I ask you to begin a new way of thinking and feeling. Love those you love fully, and tell them so, whether it be a friend, a family member, a spouse, a partner. Just tell them how you feel, love outwardly instead of inwardly. You will get so much back in return, I promise you.....

trials and tribulations

Recently my husband had a heart attack. At the moment I realized it was happening the world took on a different meaning. Would I lose someone I was connected to for 30 years? Would life as I knew it change forever? Would I be able to live in my own skin while taking care of others?

All of these questions swam through my mind at a considerably eccelerated rate and I was and still am unsure about how to proceed. Am I brave enough to travel the road ahead while dealing with the changes my husband and family will have to go through? Will I be able to be true to who I am, taking care of me, nurturing my needs while making sure that he is healing?

Do we go through life being "something" for others but not enough for ourselves? Do we get to the end of our lives and wonder if we actually knew who we were? And did we become the person we always wanted to be or was it too hard to be true to only ourselves?

I would be so interested to know how you, my friend and reader of this blog have handled a crisis in life and whether you lost yourself to it, or remained true and authentic. Did you in fact live in your own skin?